If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
