i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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