So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
