They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
