Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
