guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
