last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
