I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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