u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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