she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My life is pants optional.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
