I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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