Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
3pm strippers are depressing
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
