There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
