I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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