I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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