if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
