My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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