You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
