Tell her she can't have a vagina
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
