After last night, I could never be a politician.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
