be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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