That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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