i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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