im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
