I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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