tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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