Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
