You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
