i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
