her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
