then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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