I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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