Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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