i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
