I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
