Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
