somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
