weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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