I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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