life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
