He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
