New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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