I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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