I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Hippo gnu deer
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
