i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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