those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
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