umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
