Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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