like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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