Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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