The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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