Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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