ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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