We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
