Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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