I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
