Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
