i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
